You may remember me from a blog about postpartum depression that was posted a while back. In that blog, I laid bare my experience of the previous weeks. I was raw, open and honest about what it is really like to struggle with postpartum depression. By the end of the blog, you may have thought that “the worst is over”. I thought so too! But here I am 3 months after having my baby and the last two weeks have been hell. I have felt like I was losing that grip on happiness that I had found just a few weeks ago. Around the time that I wrote that blog, I had felt like I had finally peeked my head above the fog. I was still in the thick of it, but I was rising and could see the sunlight and the beauty of my new “normal”. But now, just a few short weeks later, I am sinking back below that fog, clawing at whatever I can to stay up. But I’ll be honest. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling like the rug is being pulled out from under me just when I think I have a good handle on things. So I am writing another blog, which I did not plan to do, because there may be someone reading this that feels tired too.
To the mom that feels like she will never be enough for her family. To the mom that worries she is starting to annoy her friends with her constant anxiety about ridiculous things. To the mom that looks at herself in pictures and wonders if her eyes will ever look happy again. To the mom who feels total guilt for losing patience with their older child who you know is only acting up because they are jealous of the new baby. To the mom who feels guilt because you aren’t as sad as you should be when you drop your kids off at daycare to go to work. To the mom giving her child popcorn for supper because she doesn’t have the mental fortitude tonight to handle a crying baby and a clingy toddler and cook a nice meal. To the mom who cries in the shower because she doesn’t want her partner to know just how awful she feels.
I see you.
To the mom who sometimes wonders if she made the right decision having another child. To the mom who loves both of her children so much more than she could ever explain but still briefly considers running away. To the mom who is touched out. To the mom who feels guilty for depending too much on her partner for the third month in a row. To the mom who’s nerves are shot. To the mom who sometimes feels like her family and friends would be so much better off without her bothering them. To the mom who worries that her toddler can feel her sadness.
I see you.
We will get through this. If you ever read any mom blog ever, you know that this is a phase. Right now it feels hopeless and endless, but eventually, it will end. Things may not get easier, but they will get more “normal” and we will be able to cope. Parenting is one of the most incredible journeys a person could ever take. But we’d be lying if we pretended that things were always great. No, children aren’t the worst (most of the time), and parenting isn’t terrible (again, most of the time). But it is SO. DAMN. HARD. And it’s even harder when you are battling the beast that is PPD. AND IT IS A BATTLE. We fight this fight daily. Some days, it’s a fight to smile and some days, it’s a fight to get out of bed. But we continue to fight because we know that eventually that fog will lift again. Eventually we will climb back up to the sunshine and the beauty. Eventually we will smile again and actually mean it.
Please continue to fight this fight with me. I won’t give up on you. – Doula Megan